Dear Mrsatroxi,

Saw a movie today. The main character was, to all purposes, an ogre. And there’s a pivotal scene where he goes to a sort of friend, sort of for advice, and the sort of friend tells him to stop being such a jerk because, here’s the golden words: where is it getting him? And light dawns, and the ogre says that’s it! And off he goes to help people and makes things better. And hooray, it works, and poof! he’s human, and yippee, he’s happy.

Obviously I’m paraphrasing a good bit.

This is of course a favorite subject with us human type peoples. Be nice, do good, help others, giving is better than receiving, and do unto others. Do this and God will smile on you. Do this and people will like you. Do this and you will be treated better. Do this and you will be happy.

Is a life not lived for others really and truly a life only half lived? Is there no greater gift then your life so that another might live?

I don’t know.

I do know that in my life I’ve tried very hard to be good to other people. (A bit different than trying to be a good person.) And I know that I’m not happy. I know that I don’t feel God smiling on me. But, even without a massive amount of self examination, I also know that this could very well be my own fault. Maybe I try for the wrong reasons, maybe I want a reward. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.

Or maybe, just maybe, life is a lot harder and more complicated than it ever was supposed to be.

And maybe I shouldn’t think so much.

So…hi.

Still working.

Still hating it.

Still looking for something else.

Thinking that what I want may not be another job.

Thinking I maybe want to go to school.

So, the first thing I have to say is thank you, thanks so very much for the emails and comments. I could spend hours trying to articulate what it means to me, but I still wouldn’t get it right. So, simply, humbly and sincerely I say thank you.

Now I need some more help from you lovely Folks.

Where do I find the faith? Because I don’t have it. Certainly not in myself and not in life. How do I quit a job, even though it’s eating out my heart, when my paycheck is so necessary?