Dear Mrsatroxi,

In an attempt to distract myself, I shall now write a fashion review.

Shorts!

Shorts are everywhere this season. You can’t walk past an Old Navy, JCPenney, or Lane Bryant without them jumping out of the store at you.

Now, let me just get this out of the way.

I hate shorts. I don’t think there is much else that is more unflattering to the female form, unless, perhaps, gouchos or skorts. And those two particular forms of “fashion” are, of course, simply variations on shorts.

However.

I must say that the cut of this season’s shorts are the ugliest I have yet to see.

That’s right folks.

Walking shorts are back!

Women love these things. “They hide my thighs!” No, sweetie, they don’t. Oh, yes, I will grant you that they cover your thighs. But hide ‘em? No, they most emphatically do not. “Fashion” rags tout them as “wearable”. Wearable? Wearable? Sure, in the same way a computer monitor is wearable. You could do it. But why? Or they would be perfect to wear in a broadest circumference contest. The eye is drawn directly to that lovely portion of the anatomy, from the belly button to just above the knee. “Shazzam! People, look at my magnificant ass! Just look at it! Look at it! It’s wider than yours! It’s wider than an elephant’s!”

They come pleated. They come cuffed. They come pleated and cuffed. Pleated and cuffed are just two more words for “short” and “dumpy”.

The other worst thing about these shorts is the fact that they stop just above that ugliest of human parts, namely, the knee. So your eye follows the progression of birthing hips on down to the knees. Which, in the real world, are always either sharp, lumpy, knobby, saggy, ashy or hairy.

Lesson of the day:

If it makes Calista Flockheart/Nicole Ritchie/Mary Kate and/or Ashley Olsen/Mother Teresa look hippy? You will also look hippy. Yes, really. Now please go cover up your knees. I just ate.

M’kay spanky.

Lesson of the day.

If you are buying an old house, and getting a deal on it, don’t come back after the inspection demanding the roof, the plumbing, and the wiring be replaced. Especially when the roof, the plumbing, and the wiring passed inspection.

‘Cause guess what?

You ain’t getting it!

Alrighty?

Oh, things are quite odd at the moment.

Selling a house is not a huge amount of fun. Especially when all you really want to do is get rid of the thing as quickly as possible. Because it’s not home anymore. It’s just a house. A white elephant of a house. And you want to get rid of this house so you can start looking in earnest for home. And although you have a place to stay, you don’t have a home anymore. For the first time since you were born, you don’t have a home. And that is a strange, liberating, scary, sad feeling.